Moving on from the past

Potential Trigger Warning

Altho young, I can’t help but think about my life to keep true to myself cause it’s so easy to lose who you are and feelings from the past especially painful ones are never easy and mistakes and pain and the reaction typically is to build up a shell a barrier keeping you from crying from really seeing the pain, and eventually moving on. I am going to tell you some of my stories so you can know where my experience comes from and why I know what the pain feels like. A conversation I had within my family revealed it on, is that all of what they have been through creates a callous around their heart and toughness being safe around people she doesn’t like things she doesn’t want, and never want to make the change, and the feeling of stability of structure as autistics crave for our lives and makes us vulnerable to be stuck . Mistakes as I have made a sizable number, I can speak from a great amount of experience can linger you wonder every time if you could have done things differently. For six years I have had a best friend from school we had a fraught relationship, for a while he avoided me, and was a bit terrible, but we managed to patch it up and became as close as brothers, he saved me from embarrassment in front of friends, and he introduced me to two friends who saved me from committed suicide, we were close. But his mental health was vulnerable and in hindsight, I really should have known that. Now we can all handle things at a different level, but for a while, due to some childhood trauma, I had massive anger issues, paranoia, abondmend issues, attachment issues given how close we were I projected a lot of that on to him and sadly other friends as well. A friend of ours was raped, and that broke everyone, in our circle, but to honour her wishes, I tried to keep it as as well as I could but I broke and I told him my former best friend because he was friends with the rapist and needed to know. for a few months afterwards, he pretended he didn’t know for months and that added to the stress and eventually cause he was suffering so much a hatred of the girl who was you know, and eventually added to the problems which broke my heart cause this was my fault before the problems were happening between us. Once our friend group including the girl were supposed to go on a planned holiday to Greece. and suddenly my former best friend, because of those background issues backed out said it was with his family that he needed to go away with, and for a while that was true and then some minor things were said I took it out of context because of my own issues at the time, and I hurt all of them my former best friend and the girl the whole group. The group that I was closest friends consisted off, two girls Louise Maya, my former best friend and Louise’s boyfriend. with my actions, I hurt all of them and i hurt my closest friends, it was difficult from me to recover from cause quite rightly found it difficult to trust me, and I didn’t come back after a few months of being alone, but when i did i had to face the circumstances of what happened of what i caused and it made me cry. Throughout the whole time one friend Maya helped me and provided a shoulder for me to talk and a bit to cry on, and at the time where my brother and I were no longer close and I had problems with my mum it saved my life. Over time we were all strong, but my former best friend told me that he wasn’t really friends with Maya the friend who saved me, and time after time he lied, and I was still healing and after a misguided sense of loyalty I covered for him and I told the girls and had the argument and the friendship with the former best friend ended.

Now I told you this long story about me, not to make you feel sorry for me, but to show the importance of moving on an appreciating who is here for you now , i have changed a lot since healing and i still didn’t see that i did for a while and it took a very persistent friend to point it out to me.As autistic people, e self actualize a lot and with everything I have been through, I self-actualized a lot and thought that I didn’t deserve friends, or just having people outside my family that I care about, and for such a long while I had that association with myself and anyone of you who might be able to relate to feeling like this, you are not alone, you are not a monster or anything else like that you might think or people might tell you . It is human to make mistakes it is human to feel hurt when we go through a lot, the effect of it can lead us to do things we regret but we all do have a right to be happy and move on. Here we do practical advice to help you move on so I say 3 things, one. once a day tell yourself your awesome, think about your strengths, and weaknesses 2. use breathing techniques , one i am fond off, is going to the beach, sitting by the sea and timing your breaths to the sounds of the waves, and thinking about what you have done well, and what you need to progress, and 3 just do and make the time for the things your interested in . These are very very simple things but not having the itme for them makes healing very difficult. The journey of recovery of healing is never easy, and i want you to know you are brave and special and it takes such courage to go through it , sometimes you can find a channel for you Pain a chance to help people , because you can use it you can use the past, you have experienced to help propel people to the future you can be the change you want to see in the world.

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