The Cage of Destruction

I am what’s considered by the neurotypical community a high functioning or the correct term someone with low care needs, but often I do consider myself trapped within myself, not able to be how I am, be able to who I am and have the connection that I want to have. How can this be when I can communicate, study, travel on my own setting aside the fact that it took me years of mistakes and lessons, to be able to live independently. I still feel trapped. As autistic people, we aren’t allowed to talk about our special interests when we are about because we appear weird or blunt or quirky and we get constantly this that or the other thing, Something I have talked about before is that we get told we are selfish by expressing our strong emotion the way we need to do it. All of this is very bleak, very depressing but what can we do what can we improve.

Because of this cage, I haven’t shared my experiences my emotions my thoughts on how I am with people for a long time, even my own family, and sometimes we need to find a way to let people in to trust is usually an untrustful situation, because not letting in someone in the cage, the cage becomes a box of fire or a box of flesh-eating bacteria, but how can you let a confusing lot like the neurotypicals or be sure that you can trust them , well to put simply you cant know they wont hurt you or help you, you can never know but what you can do is live life on your own terms. Have a conversation with whoever it is, explain that your autistic, and list the ways you communicate, how you react to things and trust you can be your genuine self, with them. Given how prone we are to being bullied, for being ourselves we do have to decide how important it is to be our true selves and I say it is beyond important because if we are and we mask we slowly lose a piece of who we are bitten by bit until there is nothing left, of the real us. but we can keep that from happening and we must.

For me getting out of the cage was as the Aspergian puts it getting out of a maximum-security prison. Whenever I mask I like losing the ability to speak and suddenly I agree to everything (that’s not harmful but even things I do not like ) because I was scared to speak out, and being scared even petrified is normal. for a while, my thoughts and feelings were like a muddled , a prison that only now I was able to get out of. For me, it took ages with so much mentoring in school, conversations with my mum, brother helping me, and they were opening the cage but I was still lost. In 2016 my brother, who was always there for me beforehand had a massive fallout and since then our relationship was rocky ever since for years I felt so alone, because of the closest person to me, was sort of ripped from me, and emotionally for years I almost never recovered. I was always reserved and was prone to meltdowns rather than just talking about what I was going through and for a time there was no hope for me to get my voice out, to talk to people about what was going through with me, for years i was lost in my own thoughts, not being able to talk to my own mum, not being able to understand and that sent me right back in to the cage, until i met a few friends who by chance I was able to open up to, over time I shared details about my life with my friends Louise, Maya, Connor (altho I am no longer friends with Connor due to just pointless events that caused so much hurt). Over time it was just Louise and Maya, and even when I was awful and cruel,i told you this story dear reader, to illustrate this point sometimes in the rubble in the mess of everything we meet those people who change your life, for the better and if we do not let them in we miss out on something great, which brings me on to my very last point on getting out of the cage.

As autistic people, it is natural for us to self actualize to obsess over our littlest faults and ideas as we hear so much shit and hate towards it, and we can associate our own actions with the responses , A lot of time my family told me, that I shouldn’t get angry, to things the arguments that went on at my house at the time . My mum had and actually still has anger issues just less as I am a very persistent bugger told me I don’t want to hear your anger when she was. my friends, my uni mentor and all the people i relied on to reach the point of the journey i am at now like 60 per cent healed as i am able to open and trusting with people but still have a shit tone of work to do with to break your associations one by one dictate what a certain response means to you if that makes sense, if it doesn’t message the league and i can clarify. Because when we can break our negative associations, we can fill them with positive ones. Like for instance meltdowns don’t have to have a negative connotation that your hurting people, it can mean that your hurt and you need to heal. Finding a channel for your pain can be very therapeutic as well. Like if you struggle with anger martial arts or fighting sports is a good way to get rid of anger and is useful as a coping mechanism. They worked me for a while, you can also use overcoming your experiences to help others and if you can help at least one person, my dear reader, then its worth it. and together as community we can achieve this and the autism league is always here for you.

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